I love Alice in Wonderland and ended up coming up with an idea for a vinyl decal of the Cheshire Cat with the quote “We’re all mad here”. I found a silhouette of the Cheshire Cat online that looked like what I wanted, I cleaned it up a bit to work with the Silhouette better but overall it wasn’t changed much. Found a font type that matched the particular look I was after and then printed out a decal roughly 23 centimeters/9~ inches tall/wide.
I was curious to see how it would hold up and was surprised it showed no signs of having issues with the cold/wet nature of snowboarding. It was probably the best part of the day since it was a slushy/icy snow kind of day when it came to the actual snowboarding.
Just wanted to make a quick post about changes to come to the website, I’m going to work on my own theme as the one I’m using has reached it’s limitations in terms of ways I want it to work and has extra things I don’t use which in some cases is bogging down the website a bit. So I’ll be building a custom theme so that I’m not ripping apart or hacking someone’s theme code. The other thing is that I’ll be expanding the topics in the blog section a bit more than just keeping it to transition related topics. First on the list will be adding programming/development and game categories and posts 🙂 2 things I’m passionate about hehe.
It’s been at least 10 years since I remember making any New Year’s Resolutions, I’m not exactly sure why I decided to bother with them all of a sudden but I do. So here’s my resolutions for 2015:
I will have a smooth face
This has always been kinda big thing for me in the past but wasn’t an issue mainly because of self loathing when it came to looks. That however has changed and while I have a much greater appreciation for how I look overall now as hormones have begun to show visible changes, my face is a big thing for me. While I’ve been doing laser and it’s done great to get rid of most of my hair already, the issue that remains is my acne scares on my cheeks. So I plan on meeting with a dermatologist to see about getting the scares treated and gone so I have a smooth face even if it has to come out of pocket I think it’ll be worth it!
I will work to ensure my kids suffer as little as possible during the upcoming changes
There are a lot of things that will be going on in the up coming year such as my plans to come out and live full time as a woman. Which also means me moving out of the house and into my own place, that also means seeing my kids less often. I’m sure more things will come up as time passes and I hope to try and make my transitioning as little of a problem for them as possible.
I will come out at work and go full time
I hate to say it but my therapist was right… The itch to come out sooner than planned is there an festering hehe. While I don’t always plan to dress “super feminine” I’m getting really tired of stealthing under “guy” clothes. During Christmas time while I was out of town I ended up dressing to what I felt like going which was jeans, blouse, and some foundation. Oh and I got my brows groomed to look more feminine 🙂 All that was enough to start getting gendered correctly and it was a lovely feeling, not as impressive as when I had my makeup done and went out for the first time but a feeling of “this is right” kinda thing if that makes sense. So yeah definitely planning on coming out, we’ll see if I end up holding out until the summer time hehe.
I want to get into the 160-180 pound range
I’m overweight, and I’ve put off dealing with it long enough. I gave myself a fair range to aim for because well I don’t exactly know how I’ll look once I get back down to that range. It’s not the first time I’ve been around the 160-180 range at one point I was 174 pounds for about a year or so but bad diet and less exercise have gotten that number to go upward. The other thing I’m curious about is well helping out with the curves hehe, I didn’t give myself a fixed number because I just don’t know what I’ll look like and how hormones will keep changing my body maybe I’ll be happy with how I look closer to 180 than 160 who knows! Well soon enough I will I guess haha, err I should say happier with how I look because well I’m already starting to love looking at myself in the mirror 🙂
So there you have it my New Year’s Resolutions, I think all of them are quite attainable with a bit of effort and some saving on my part hehe.
Despite being “older” when I started transitioning I’ve already begun to experience noticeable breast growth…I’ve hit an A cup size in just under 4 months! 38A to be a bit more precise.
A few things to preface this post before I get a girl’s hopes up, when it comes to breast growth everything I’ve read genetics plays a huge factor. Another factor that is fairly huge and applies to myself is I’m slightly overweight. For context based on a bunch of different bra size calculators I started out as a 40AA. The last factor that has likely contributed is that I’m waist training with steel boned corsets. At the time of starting hormones had just managed to comfortably close a 34″ corset from a natural waist line of 40″. In those 3ish months I’ve gone down to closing a 32″ corset with a natural un-cintched waist line of 38″, so there’s been a permanent reduction of 2″ in my waist as well. To be fair I’ve also changed my dieting habits as well as upped the amount of exercising I’m doing so it’s not like corsets are the 1 stop solution.
I’m sure at this point the thought of will there be boob pics or not has crossed your mind… I debated for a while on whether or not I would post these but I figured it could be helpful to others out there and it would give me some sort of way to track progress. Sorry I don’t have before pics so these will have to do:
Sorry I didn’t think to take a side type of shot for the blue training bra that was sized at L/XL while the pink/rose color bra is a 38A. I hope these give you an idea beyond just saying “I’m a 38A now” and also to see what’s can happen with hormones, dieting, and waist training as a 30 year old trans woman.
Anyway enough about that, my bra size is now 38A and I fill the one I was able to find in that size rather well (yay!), I can’t wait to see where this goes I’m curious if the growth will keep up in pace or slow down now as I noticed I have a lot less fat around my lower ribs than I did before and well I want to say in my family C was the norm so I’ll hopefully get to a B size but I can’t be certain as well I haven’t asked yet… Seems like an awkward question to bring up to my mom.
After coming out to my parents one of the things they both asked was what they did to make me feel like I couldn’t have come out sooner. While there are a few things they said/did they weren’t a huge factor, the biggest factor was society. Even the community my parents picked when I was really young would have seemed to be a welcoming place for a trans kid exploring, I mean I played the same way with the boys as I did with the girls in my neighborhood, there was no gender definition in our games there was just fun. That however didn’t carry over outside of playtime, everywhere else there were signs effectively saying “boys do this, girls do this, and that’s how it is”. It also didn’t help I grew up in a time where the examples of a trans person that wasn’t stealth was a joke of a human being or a sexual fetish. On top of that there was the stigma that if you didn’t fit into the “traditional” gender roles then you’d be ridiculed or shunned by society.
So by the time I realized what was going on as I saw it I was left with the choices of becoming a proverbial/literal punching bag or an outcast for not fitting into society’s rigid male gender role. I opted for the third choice try and convince myself that society was right, that based on a doctor’s decision I was indeed a boy and what I felt in my head and heart were wrong. For a long time it sort of worked… I fit in well enough to pass off of as a boy/man, so well I began to hate what I had become even more, I became a lie. The feelings didn’t go away they stayed, no matter how much I tried to bury them it only went so far and I’d lash out because of it.
From everything I’ve read the one thing that’s been consistent with trans people is that eventually they break from living the lie, mine came when I realized I’ve spent my life living a lie and had planned to keep on living the lie but I planned to raise my kids with the freedom to be whomever they want to be, to be honest with themselves. How could I instill those values when I myself wasn’t living them? While I concede parenting involves raising your kids with a bit of hypocrisy this was to a level I don’t find acceptable, and felt would overall be more harmful than good.
I’ve been on hormones just over 2 months now and there have been more changes 🙂 Some good, some odd, and some painful…
Hair growth has slowed down noticeably, when it comes to my legs I can now get away with going 3-4 days before it gets prickly. Chest, stomach, and arm hair has slowed quite a bit I can go a week before having to shave. Also I’ve noticed the chest and stomach hairs are starting to thin out, though I’m not sure if that’s because I didn’t have much to begin with or because of the laser treatments. Likely a combination of the above but in any case a nice change 🙂
I’m starting to fill out my “woman’s” clothes, jeans are getting snugger in the hips/thighs and my dresses are starting to look more flattering. I could just be imagining things as it seems 2 months is a bit soon for fat redistribution to be happening. Granted the jeans I do have are junior or designed for women with less curves so maybe it’s a combination of the type of clothes and redistribution on a small scale. I’ll take it either way. I’ve noticed that while my chest measurements haven’t changed the positioning of the fat has, in the middle it seems the fat has move
Looking in the mirror has not only become more tolerable but I’m beginning to like what I see staring back at me. This helps as it’s easier to get in some make up practice hehe. As you can see I’m working on trying to pull off Alice’s make up from Alice: Madness Returns in the pic hehe. The bra is padded and stuffed before anyone thinks hormones work that fast hehe.
Emotions are still more sensitive than in the past however I’m starting to be able to better control my emotions. Although there are times now where I’m just hit with overwhelming feelings, positive or negative. It happens in both cases and I can’t figure out what are the triggers.
After the first month unwanted morning wood was a thing of the past, although I noticed it came back a few times, I assume that’s because
Now this I’ll go with the saying “no pain, no gain” as well my chest area now gets bouts of pain and sensitivity. Especially when running up or down a set of stairs, running itself isn’t quite there yet. So while I’m learning to tolerate the pain, it’s a pain I’m enjoying as it means boobs! That said my new found sensitivity will take some getting used when it comes to how I did things in the past. Brushing stuff off my shirts now is a painful task if I’m not gent
I’ve always loved selfies or at least what they conveyed to me, which was in that moment the person sees how beautiful they are and wants to share it with others. What a magical moment that is to share, I mean in a world where we’re constantly told we’ll never look good enough the person taking the selfie has overcome that bombardment.
That said while I enjoy selfies and see them as wonderful things they were things I could not personally enjoy or partake in without having a feeling in the pit of my stomach screaming “that’s wrong so totally wrong”, “wtf who is that”, “that can’t be me”, etc. It goes on and I’m sure I’m not the only person who’s ever felt this way.
After beginning my journey, I wasn’t so much as, hopeful but expecting my stance on personal selfies would change. I never imagined it would have happened so quickly, I haven’t even hit my 2 month mark on hormones. It’s still a bit surreal and I can look back and say well there’s filters on the image, which while technically true, I’m looking at the bigger picture.
For the first time in my life I took a picture of myself and didn’t think something was wrong with the picture or that that can’t be me, it was the first time I looked at a picture of myself and I was happy.