How Do You Know You’re Trans?

The answer always varies since everyone is a unique person but I figure I’d share my story.  I figured it out if you will when I was 12 having a pillow fight with a friend.  At some point during the pillow fight I ended up hitting her in the chest and she cried out in pain.  I was confused as it looked like it hurt a lot but it never hurt me when I’d get hit in the chest, there were exceptions of course but in general it was never any more painful than say getting hit in the gut.

For some reason it was that moment that triggered something, an “ah-ha!” moment if you will.  It was also an overwhelming feeling of “I get it now” when I started comparing things, things that for some reason didn’t mean anything to me before that moment, like how the girl uniforms in school were skirts and shirts instead of pants/shorts and shirts.

I still don’t understand why and maybe I never will truly understand it but the next feeling that came over me was feeling that this is wrong.  I felt the need to hide it, or rather to try hide my feelings while I found a way to change the way I felt. From then on I tried to push myself to find interest and do things that were typically masculine. You know to become a “man’s man” so to speak…

That was awful because at best it came off as I sucked at whatever it was I was trying to do.  In general it never lasted, or rather to the length that would be considered masculine… While I’d rather side on the opinion that nothing has a masculine or feminine definition associated with it but I was playing by society’s opinions not mine.

I tried sports and really the only ones that stuck were skateboarding and later snowboarding but more so in the as long as I’m just having fun sense. While I push myself to get better, I don’t care for the aggressive gotta be the best mentality generally associated with athletes.  I tried getting into cars, even built a bunch of models,  and talked about building a “dream car”. All that really stuck in terms of cars is how to preform basic maintenance, even then I’d rather take it to a shop for those things if I can afford the cost of labor.  Otherwise it’s a pretty (usually) thing that gets me from A to B.

I even tried to be the “macho man” type, you know the type that sees women as objects and nothing more. That I think hurt the most because of how common it is and how there wasn’t a way to get away from it ever.  I couldn’t see women as equals, as people who could be appreciated for more than their looks, people who could be something more than a sexual conquest.

I kept going, nothing ever changed about how I felt no matter how much I tried.  I continued there had to be a point where I’d change the way I felt, where I’d be happy as the world labeled and saw me.  Went to school to get a career so I could be the “provider”, the “bread winner”, or “man of the house” the names go on and on. Got married… I just kept pushing, trying convince myself, this will go away… Had kids…

Nothing helped, nothing that was supposed to make a person a “man” as society defines helped, none of it. I spent 30 years of my life killing myself or rather my true self in hopes that the lie the world wanted would survive.

It’s a weird comforting feeling to finally start living 30 years into your life…

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